I wish that I could separate myself from you. You take up space in every inch of my life, and just when I think I have a chance to breathe, you reappear in full effect. How is it that I love and hate you simultaneously? I love that you’ve allowed me to connect with so many other beautiful souls. In sharing about my journey with you online, I’ve found community and helped others who are struggling. I hate that you’ve robbed me of truly living life. I hate that I’ve allowed you to suffocate me and leave me gasping for air. I hate that you make me want to give up on life. You make me feel crazy.
We’ve spent many nights together locked away in psychiatric hospitals. You tell me that even if everyone else leaves, I’ll always have you. You tell me that without you, my life would be boring. Without the manic highs and depressive lows, I’d be “normal”. Well, I’d give anything for a chance to be normal. I’d give anything to not constantly be at war with my mind.
I once thought the medication would silence you, but still, you found a way to be in control. I don’t remember what life was like before you came along. In fact, I don’t remember ever not being depressed or manic. With you, it’s always a repeating cycle. We go up and down, and I am ready to get off this roller coaster ride. I am ready for a life without you, but I know that doesn’t exist. I know that no matter what, you will always be here, lurking in the shadows and waiting for a chance to attack me. I know that I can’t escape you, so I’ve learned to live with you. I’ve learned what triggers you. I’ve learned how to soothe you. I’ve learned to accept you as a part of who I am.
I tell you that I’m taking back my power from you, and you laugh as though that isn’t possible. You laugh as though I can’t have a fulfilling life despite your presence.
I refuse to let you be the cause of my demise. I will die with you, but I don’t have to die from you.
Sincerely,
Jaila Marie